Hello my baby,
Today, I sit here on the couch with a big 39 weeks belly framing my view, feeling both apprehensive and surreal that I will be meeting you, really really soon (tomorrow, in less than 24 hours!) I thought that I will be feeling elated and overjoyed, but the truth of the matter is I don’t. Please don’t get me wrong, my darling; you’re my Number One dream come true and both Daddy and I can’t wait to grow up and old with you. Just that I’m feeling more at peace, serene and calmer than I ever thought I’ll be, even though anxious thoughts creep into my head once in a while.
2 years ago, I wrote an entry on my 40th birthday about letting go, having faith and trusting things will turn out the way it would be. 2 years ago, I was a carefree bachelorette leading a vastly different life however felt something greatly missing in my life. You see, prior to that, Mummy had been craving and dreamt about having a baby and family for the longest time, just that somehow the universe kept sending her messages that the time wasn’t right nor ready, or maybe she might not be able to have that after all. She was really disappointed, maybe even jaded at that prospect, and things got trickier when she reached her 40th birthday milestone. It was a series of disappointments, however the hopeless idealist in her decided to stubbornly trust the universe and her magic by doing the very counter-intuitive action of letting go.
Fast forward to 2 years later, here she is typing this entry, all ready to see and cuddle you in her arms tomorrow. Granted, she’s pretty scared of being cut up to let you out into this world. But she knows that at some point you’ll have to gradually learn to rely less on Mummy (and Daddy) and be an independent baby, breathing on your own, letting us know when you are hungry/uncomfortable and embracing what this mortal world brings to us – the joys and highs, the disappointments and sometimes pain, and the flurry of emotions/learnings that come with it.
For Mummy, these last 2 years have been superbly magical, albeit completely surreal. If I can summarize the experience, it will be the moment where all my wildest dreams have come true. And sometimes, I still have to pinch myself to ensure my reality is not merely a dream. Yes, I had experienced deep sorrow and heartaches (your great grandmama passed in May 2021, and you would have loved her so very much), but along with endings also came fresh beginnings. And such is the ebb and flow of life.
Shortly after my 40th birthday, I met your Daddy. To be honest, I wasn’t instantly attracted to him, because he is different from the other men I had dated; he is gentle, kind, sensitive, soft-spoken and thoughtful. As you would already know, Mummy is quite the alpha-female and thought that she would have bitten off your Daddy’s head in no time. But Daddy showed up and stood his ground; Mummy was tamed back to being a feline. And with that, our love grew day by day. We learnt to respect and complement each other (Daddy admires Mummy for being a strong and capable woman and always reminds her that she is a leader who gets things done, while Mummy looks to Daddy for support, calmness, grounding and strength when she feels defeated and unsure of herself). And we wouldn’t exchange this union for any other thing in the world.
And despite the odds, you (un)expectedly popped into our lives on the morning of 13 March 2022, when Mummy first tested positive on her pregnancy kit showing she’s 5 weeks pregnant. Yes, we decided we would try for a baby, but I wasn’t convinced it was going to be easy given our age and what I’ve been previously told of my fertility conditions. But I guess you decided otherwise. Despite the few scares we had with you in the first trimester (Mummy was soooo anxious about losing you, and the tears I had shed were unforgettable), here we are, all ready to see you tomorrow. And it still feels surreal.
You were with us for so many of our major and memorable events this year – how we allowed reality to set in and saw how our lives would change, how we searched fervently and moved into our new home, how we got married and you were dancing the night away with us, how we went for our honeymoon and you were squirming in my tummy as you took your 1st chopper ride, and how you tagged along for our many date nights, responding fervently to whether you enjoyed the evening or felt bored with your wriggles and squiggles. Oh and you gave both Mummy and Daddy the strength and courage to start new ambitious jobs and achieve more than we ever thought we can in our careers despite so many other things happening around us. You are a rockstar and our biggest cheerleader. The strength you’ve given us is unimaginable, and Mummy can’t even begin to describe how much more self-assured and powerful she feels even since you came into her belly and our lives.
My baby, even though everyone says you’re arriving tomorrow, I have long felt you alongside with us the moment you decided to come into our lives. I am already your mummy since hearing your surreal rapid heartbeats at 6 weeks through the ultrasound scan! Tomorrow is not the day you arrive, but the day you emerge as your own, to be celebrated and acknowledged by those around us. Tomorrow, you become you. Tomorrow, we celebrate you.
And thank you for making Mummy’s life wish come true – you’re all I ever wanted and I’m so grateful for you 😊
See you tomorrow my love, my Pingu, and till then, have another warm, cuddly and snug night in mummy’s tummy ❤
Jane 