Dear me,
Look where we are, the turn of the wheel and the beginning of a new era (again)! I have endeavoured to savour Murakami’s Birthday Stories to commemorate the week, not just because it is another year of beginnings, but more because the end of a decade and the beginning of a brand new one evoke much contemplation and reflection; to pause to move forward, to celebrate and acknowledge before creating new stories.
Before we leap into the next 10 years with inhibited gusto and excitement, I want to recollect what we have learnt so far and to remind us what is fundamentally important to us, at this very moment in time.
40, the magic number of the moment.
40 years of life lessons, 480 times of flipping calendar pages to commemorate the start of a new month, 14,600 sunrises and dreams, 21,024,000 heart palpitations with each second that passes.
I think the biggest lesson we have learnt so far is that life will NEVER turn out the way we have thought that it should be.
The ambitions we had when we were 5 (I wanted to be a cashier because the register looked so cool or Miss Universe because she got to wear a tiara), the expectations we had when we were 21 (that I would save all my money and run away to an overseas professional theatre school and be a full time stage actor/singer living anywhere but Singapore), the insistence we had almost all throughout our 30s (that I must be married and be a mom else our lives would be in complete devastation because I would not have been a complete woman and we would have lost the game to the masses).
If we were in training to be a full-time clairvoyant, I have to say we really suck at this game.
Turns out, the ebbs and flows of life will always swirl us to where we are meant to be at that given point in time. We can throw hissy fits, pout till the cows come home and be the quintessential brat (which we both know I can be such a pro at all the above), but the universe basically shrugs his shoulders and says, “Ermm, grow up a little, stop the tantrums and let me do my job, will ya?”
Mmmm, ok Universe. We look at each other, still feeling a little indignant and cannot decide if we should be disappointed or relieved. Because honestly by then, we confess we are tired too – tired of fighting, resisting, proving where we think I am supposed to be, tired of trying soooo hard.
On the other hand, the idea of surrender stirred a cocktail of emotions in us – 1 part defeat, 1 part detest but 3 parts relief and 5 parts freedom. Logically it seems indisputable, but the ego’s a real bitch. Learning to keep the ego in check will be an important component in this journey, so we’ll endeavour to keep him humbled with my cat, Nutmeg’s leash.
Interestingly, it seems pretty clear by now that peace and joy are really the wiser options. Above all, the age-old narrative that everything that we desire and deserve must be fought and worked for has to go – not that working hard is not a good virtue, but not EVERYTHING has to be so hard! (Why travel miles to handpick the prettiest flowers when there is an abundance of them right at our doorsteps?)
40, the magic number of the moment.
Hand in hand, we embark and start learning to surrender and put our lioness pride down. What a daunting journey, despite feeling magical things happening. And we both know how we live for the magic.
Surrender, the magic word of the new era.
With this magic, comes a sneak peek of freedom – it is so deep and complex I don’t even know how to explain it to you. But this little peek seems to reveal something invigorating, relaxing, joyful, safe and calm.
With this freedom also comes the faith and trust that things will always turn out the way it is meant to be. That things are always the best as they are for now.
xxx
Dear me,
Don’t we feel like little girls once again, entering the candy store and seeing this plethora of new insights packaged in the form of candies? And the tickles it brings. Oh yes, the tickles and giggles it brings.
We learn to open our arms freely to receive without fears and inhibitions. To embrace whatever that life brings. More importantly, the love that comes our way. We are beginning to acknowledge that the love comes because we ourselves, are love.
We learn that we don’t have to pretend to have it all figured or to even know what we are doing most of the time. We submit ourselves to the fact that we can never fully control our environments and outcomes, so much so that expectations and the unavoidable disappointments are consequences of our own inner conversations. Granted, we still allow the idealist in us to dream wildly, but we now learn to chuckle in muse when direct opposites of what we desire happen. If we can’t control it, we might as well join in the fun and absurdity of the game.
We start to embrace the feminine essence in us again. It is funny isn’t it? For centuries on end, the women (and men) in our lives told us that we were second class citizens in the human kingdom and that impacted the way we behave. Then came along a new wave; the oppression unleashed a fierce feminist revolution and we were conditioned to fight for our rights and to be strong, sometimes so strong that it overcompensated who we are deep down. We subconsciously abandoned our softer sides that made us uniquely woman.
In both cases where we go to the extremes of the spectrum, we are still trying too hard, simply because it is unnatural and not us in our natural essence of flow.
Of course, we stand firm that we nourish our dreams and should always aspire for what we want, but who says we have to be bullish all the time and to be working for goals and targets with no end in mind? If these dreams are driven by fear rather than love, then are we still on the path that we had intended ourselves to be on in the quest for freedom and love?
For you and I, we live in our feelings, and that means allowing ourselves to connect to what made us who we are since Day 1, even if those stuff are soft and squishy. We bask in being the girl who loves flowers, plants, animals (except crocodiles yucks), cooking, baking, dressing up (and looking gorrrgeous) and taking care of things to make them happy, healthy and beautiful. We allow the girl to be vulnerable and cries when she is feeling overwhelmed or hears a sad story, and to be an open book where she should always feel and express her emotions.
We also know that embracing the feminine essence does not mean forgetting our dreams. We still believe in creating impacts on matters we hold dearly in our hearts, speaking up when situations do not sit well with us, learning to say no to the things that do not resonate with us, walking away from those that continuously break our hearts and gravitating towards those that make our heart sing like a nightingale.
We begin noticing the people around us who love, support and are always there and realised how blessed we have always been. Not just the women but also the men. Oh yes, the men. Whoever told us from young that men cannot be trusted are so completely wrong. There is so much to honour the men for – they are glorious and beautiful in their spirits when they are trusted and given the space to blossom. They endeavor to make us happy and do what they can to make us feel safe, secured and protected. Once in a while, they would falter along the way and our tears would fall, but last we checked, they are mere mortals like you and I. We often also forget that we unknowingly hurt them too, just that they were not encouraged from young to display their pain. Sometimes, we just don’t appreciate them enough for trying their best.
At other times, we would fall prey to become collateral damages as they figure their fears, roles and lives out. While the hurt is real, we know that to love someone comes with both the ups and the downs, the joys and the pains. We both also know by now that if we truly love someone, the only way to set all of us free is to love so hard that we let them be and go do whatever that makes them feel better so that they and us can both be free. With this trust comes relinquishment, and with this relinquishment comes the renouncing of sky-rocketing expectations and the sweet taste of liberation.
At the core of it all, we learn that there is nothing more important than trusting our hearts and trusting love – everything else is secondary. We must continue to take care of our hearts, ourselves, others, and love bravely and deeply. We immerse in our courage and compassion to make stands for the naïve but beautifully idealistic dream to make our future a beautiful one for generations to come. We continue to stand brave in opening our hearts to love, because it is the only gateway to a life filled with dreams, excitement and passion.
xxx
Dear me,
As I sip my morning coffee writing this birthday letter to you, I hope both you and I are ready for the next decade of our lives together.
Let us never forget the feminine side of us, remain authentic in who we are even if it is against popular propaganda and manifestos, and continue painting our portrait of love and liberation by trusting the wisdom in us.
Yours truly,
The 40-year-old me
Jane 